so I guess my jaw is healing pretty well. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it did in the beginning. The only times it really hurts is in the morning when I wake up with a pounding headache because I think subconsciously, in my sleep, I am trying to open my mouth or grind my teeth. I haven’t been having any of those weird teeth-falling-out dreams. I guess they feel pretty secure with those wires attached to them. My road rash and my busted lip are all healed and you can barely tell I looked like a monster a few weeks ago.
But as my physical health increases, I’m sad to say that my mental health on the other hand is descending downwards. I haven’t really left my bed in the past few days and who knows when the last time I took a shower was. I end up sleeping until noon or 3pm and I find myself taking frequent naps and having no motivation at all to do anything. I don’t even play dress up anymore. AND not to mention, I’ve been more grumpier than usual.
I guess I can blame it on my period, but I know that’s not it.
I went out one night last week because I thought it would be a good idea for me to get out of the house and to see my friends. Turned out to be a pretty bad idea. I saw lots of people I knew, and that made me happy, but it also made me really embarrassed, frustrated and overall depressed because I had such difficulty trying to communicate with them. The music was loud and I had to repeat myself and try to make my voice audible, but it just took so much energy. Especially when I ran into people who had no idea about my situation and I had to recount the whole story.
So after that, I kind of just became an even bigger hermit and stayed in bed as long and as much as possible. I was going to try to return to work this week too, but after that night, I just felt so embarrassed that I told myself I didn’t want to see anyone else until the wires come off.
And all of these medical bills keep coming in the mail and collecting into a pile of “stuff to deal with ‘later’…” on my desk. Not even knowing when ‘later’ will be.
I know this is totally the opposite of radical self acceptance, but sometimes I just have to accept the fact that I’m sad and depressed, not confident, ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn’t let something like this embarrass me or hold me back, but I know this is how I am dealing with it for the moment and I am working to change it.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
